There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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