she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
