dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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