Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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