they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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