having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize