She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
