Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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