I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
