She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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