Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
