The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize