I accidentally had phone sex last night
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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