K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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