someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
