She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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