just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
