The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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