Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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