You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
