My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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