You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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