The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
