Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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