My nipple is on Facebook.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
