my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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