I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize