It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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