1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
