Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
