Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
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