So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
