i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Dignity is for republicans.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
