I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
