Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I AM VODKA MAN
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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