That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
In other news, I just burned my penis
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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