I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
