This is not my ceiling
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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