his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
