She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
