We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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