you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
