i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
This beer is not sobering me up at all
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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