Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
