Soap is not a condiment
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
