I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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