Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
