she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
