I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
