OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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