the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
