And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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