Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
