I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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