Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
