Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
