Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
