What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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