Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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