She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
