I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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