a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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